My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
