dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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