Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
