If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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