i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
