you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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