He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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