yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Randomize
