You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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