My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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