apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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