from now on my penis is your penis
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
