You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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