That's intense
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
