Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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