god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
