My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
