hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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