I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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