There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
