Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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