Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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