reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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