planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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