Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
