Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
