My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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