I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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