how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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