i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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