Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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