if only i could text you this smell
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Randomize
