if you like me you must not know who I am
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
