There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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