My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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