I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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