the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
