Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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