She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
