whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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