made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
