You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
