I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
