I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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