I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
