I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
