the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
