It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
