hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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