Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
