i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
