Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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