Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
