I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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